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EA Buys Dwarf Fortress

EA Buys Dwarf Fortress

Platform: PC Games
Category: First Person Shooter

In a surprise move, EA have recently bought the licence to Tarn Adams' popular roguelike-sim hybrid, Dwarf Fortress, and decided to turn it into yet another first person shooter. Fans are said to be "enraged" by the move. We talked to our source within EA, and find out what the hell was going on...

JAY: So, why did you buy the rights to Dwarf Fortress?

A Y: Well, we saw that it had a userbase in the hundreds of thousands, and, quite frankly, with a recession, we're a little short on creative staff, so we called up Tarn Adams (you may know him as 'Toady'), and gave him an offer he couldn't refuse. We've allowed him to continue working on his project, but he's to make clear that it's no longer "official product".

JAY: Aaaand... you're turning it into another first person shooter.

A Y: Yes, our extensive market research has shown that people really enjoy their old franchises being turned into variants of Call of Duty, and, since we work with the team who develop that franchise, we thought "Why the heck not?"

JAY: What, exactly, is going to be done, then?

A Y: Well, obviously, I can't reveal anything important, but we want to reassure the fans that we do care about them, and the image of Dwarf Fortress. This is why we're going to tell the story of Urist Dakmoleken, an embittered dwarf whose fortress had been overrun by goblin raiders. Lost, alone, he finds a magma powered automatic crossbow, and goes into the depths of various evil towers in a quest for revenge.

JAY: That... doesn't really sound very interesting.

A Y: Well, there's going to be a lot more to it than that, of course... Urist can use any enemy's weapon, upgrade his own, and there's going to be a multiplayer element, where we have lots of maps which are ideal for snipers, and no other class.

JAY: Thank you for your time.

So, folks, Dwarf Fortress as another soulless FPS. Read it and weep.

(With thanks to our source, April F Yewles.)


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